self denial.

i dont really know what i want to say in this post. all i know is that i need to let this out somewhere, and this is the only place i can go, now that ive filled about seven pages in my journal writing by HAND, everything inside of me. i dont know why but ive been so irritated lately...so easily annoyed. whatever. i blame the damn ashy weather. for the first time in my life im asking for rain so the fires can cease. COME ON MOTHER NATURE. self denial. ha. im such a liar. i DO know why. i just dont admit it to myself yet...its really frustrating actually. to KNOW...but continue to live life, lying to yourself. call me crazy, cuz i probably am mental in some way, but sometimes i try to think of myself and the things i do, as a different person. it helps me to try to understand myself. (ironically, its probably the reason why im always so confused.) and from everything ive thought about, im not very fond of myself at the moment. (and some people would tell me, 'when are you ever?') everyone is tired of me. im tired of me. this is why sometimes i think i should just not talk to anyone...seems like all i do is ruin lives. aghh. i feel so empty. and i lack so much self esteem right now. iono. whatever.