Friday, November 09, 2007

here we are, yet again.

my world is spinning, faster and faster and i cant seem to keep up. everything is so off balanced; so unstable. mad chaos. i hurt inside. the thoughts in my brain clutter around, every second of the day. i cant seem to grasp anything. i keep slipping and theres nothing for me to hold onto. and nowhere for me to fall to. i close my eyes and all i see is an endless pit of uncertainty and perplexity. ive lost that drive that keeps me alive; lost that desire to see the light of things. the person i see when i look in the mirror is someone i dont recognize anymore. she looks horrible: eyes red, cheeks stained, lips dry. what else is new? ha. ive been like this for a long time, so why arent i used to it? each time hurts a little more. somethings are just hard to get over. no matter how many times i push it away to the back corner of my mind, an evil voice inside insists on speaking out. devouring my well-being. and no matter how many times i disgorge my broken heart and spill it here to an empty world, i still cant diminish it all from my mind. i wish i could just write it away from myself. but despite the countless vomiting of words here on my blog, it nags inside like a pest that wont go away. and the person i need, the person i want to go to most would never understand. and so im forced to sit here and deal with my sick desire to crawl into a corner and disappear from the world. nothing seems real anymore. the feeling is gone in everything i do. and i no longer have any words to say to ANYONE. im afraid that if i open my mouth, whatever is feasting on my soul will spread to others, satisfying its hunger for draining the feeling out of people. and sometimes when i close my eyes at night, i wish i could just sleep forever; for theres no pain in my dreams. i dream of a perfect world, free from all the hurt. free from all the misery and emptiness. but dreams are dreams and the person i used to be is trapped in this prison that is me. i want the old me back..there's nothing wrong with the world and the few people who have shown their deep concerns; i dont have any problems with anyone but me. lost within myself, i dont know what to do.

theres only one thing that makes me truly happy.
& sometimes i dont feel like i even have that completely.

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