Sunday, March 23, 2008
frappuccinno with a hint of identity crisis.
my birth certificate is printed ronilleen. relatives in the philippines call me ronron. i tell people to call me rona. my cousin calls me ro. mr wittman calls me rOna. starbucks calls me rohnna. sometimes, even i dont know what to call myself. but what's a name, right? words are meaningless until we give meaning to them. im sure hayakawa would agree with me. even shakespeare: "what's in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." [Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)] okay. enough with the allusions. my point is, a name is nothing but a label. it says nothing about me. shows nothing of my peRsONAlity. (does it sound like im babbling nonsense? im sorry, i really do have a point. im just having problems putting it into words right now.) i guess it doesnt really matter what people call me. cuz its the experiences in life that make a person who they are. with that said, it's everything that ive been through that makes me a crazy person. i'm not trying to have an excuse or anything. im just saying. to you, maybe i have changed. for me, i call it finding myself. and the revelation of finding myself becomes greater and greater every day. and with that the more i realize who my true friends are. because true friends will love you for who you've been, who you are, and who you will be. i remember when i used to be the kind of girl that wanted to be everyone's friend. but within these past few [insert measurement of time], ive come to realize that its hard to please everyone. people are different, and i began lose myself because i was a different person with different people. i just wanted everyone to like me, is that a bad thing? i was such a naive girl, who didnt know much about the world. that's how i would describe myself. but know i know; it doesnt matter what everyone thinks of me. only certain people. like dr seuss said, "those who mind dont matter, and those who matter dont mind." it was tough for awhile. letting go of old things, taking down old pictures. and maybe things wont turn out the way ive been hoping they would. but now, i can say that walking alone across the quad is not a big deal to me anymore. because the end of that lonely walk, is always someone who is waiting for me. someone who makes me smile every time i see them. and theres that couple of people who i trust with anything and everything. ha. trust is an all or nothing kind of thing. you can't "kind of" trust someone. cuz if you "kind of" trust someone, youre effed. ive learned not to be so vulnerable. some people will take it as me building walls. dont get me wrong, it doesnt mean that i dont like you. im just trying to protect my jaded heart. (this is getting kind of long, isnt it? sorry. haha. its okay. only the people who really care are reading this far anyway) im actually pretty content with life right now. im happy, no doubt. sometimes i still feel like something is missing, but thats okay. whats life without a little bit of uncertainty? haha. mkaay. im out for now.