cant sleeeep..

the night before an ap test...and i cant effin sleep. it's a shame really, cuz i mean, the english ap test was probably the only ap test i even had a slight chance of passing. and i laid in bed for four hours, only to lay with eyes wide open and cluttered thoughts occupying my mind. so here i am now, one in the morning trying to rid of these cluttered thoughts...maybe ill get to sleep for an hour or two. three if im lucky...

im really quite different from everybody else. significantly. i hate the way i feel sometimes. and sometimes i wish i just didnt care. im the kind of person who hates being forced to talk. i like those kind of talks with people that just happen. i realize that im not really a talker. i like to listen. a lot. i could sit all day and listen to someone talk, and just give a little input and maybe even a little advice. sometimes i wish i could just be like michael liu. just shrug all the time. i wonder if he ever has problems; doesnt seem like it. but i shouldnt make assumptions and commit any fallacies. i hate uncertainty and im scared of the future. i hate not knowing where ill be. i hate the feeling of not knowing who ill be with...who'll be there... to be honest, im kinda really terrified. i think the thing im scared of the most is being alone.. my worst nightmares involve me losing one thing..and losing everything. sometimes i wish everything was just planned out, and i knew it all. and nothing could go wrong. i mean, wouldnt that be nice? i dont see how some people like the thrill of ambiguity or mystery. i hate being unsure all the time. feeling unstable. everyday i feel like time is running out for me, even though i have a large portion of my life ahead of me still. i guess im just not prepared. i feel like life is going by fast, but at the same time, i dont feel like im getting any older. i know once it hits me, it's gonna bite me in the ass and i wont be ready for it. im scared. of the future. i think if i had to chose between what i liked better, the future or the past...i would choose the past. even though i always wanna just move on..i like looking back. maybe i do it too much. even though sometimes it hurts to look back, i feel...safer (?) looking back, rather than looking ahead. i dont know if safer is the right word. and i dont think thats a good thing. we've all grown up to think that the future is the most important thing. i wish i could just live now and not be screwed for later, at the same time. its really not working for me...sometimes i feel really alone. because i dont know how to explain myself. i dont know how i feel half the time, or why i feel how i feel. i cant understand myself and thats just unfortunate because when i want to open up to someone...to anyone...i cant do it. because i honestly dont know what to say. seems easier for me to just rant and rant and rant here. but i dont like to do that. sometimes i do, but the main reason i do this is because im not a talker. which is kinda upsetting because sometimes i just need someone to talk to. but i always feel like no one would understand, especially if i cant even understand myself. i know its kinda lame how im bringing this back to the topic of the future, but i cant tell you enough how scared i am of the years to come. im scared of change. i really really dont want to think that it will be inevitable...because i dont want it to change. i dont know what i will do when/if it does happen..i mean, i really want to believe and i really want to have faith. and if you asked me a couple months ago, i would have no doubts whatsoever. but look around you, rona. see whats happening...you never expected that to happen, did you? never. but it is happening. so who knows what the future may bring for you.. i really hope that im just being pessimistic...but how do i know im not just being realistic? ..this is making me really sad...i wish i could just...not worry and enjoy it while it's here and lasting. but i cant help but be afraid of change.

im really hungry. anyway, yogurt factory was pretty awesome. i love their coconut cubes.