today sucked a lot. crying twice in one day can NOT be healthy...i had flashbacks of last year today. third period pretty much ruined my day. and when we were talking about leaving oxford, i just didnt know anymore. my grades suck and school just keeps getting harder and harder for me. i 'went to the bathroom' during fourth. fifth period i kept my head down for awhile, attempting to hide my apparent misery from the rest of the world. lunch would have to be the highlight of my day, though it was the time i really wanted to just run away from school. vishal walked around with me after the kids4wish meeting cuz he knew something was up. he talked to me, and i felt a little better afterwards. it makes me kinda sad that we take certain things for granted in our lives. i feel guilty saying this but he's probably one of those friends i take for granted..and actually, he doesnt have a problem telling me that. and im really thankful that he doesnt because sometimes im too blinded by my own thoughts to realize anything. but anyway. you know there are people in your life who you're supposed to be 'best friends' with...and really, when was the last time they actually talked to you? when the last time they cared? i dont know WHAT to think anymore. i dont know where i belong. walking around school by myself i feel like ive lost all the things that used to make me happy. scratch that. i feel like ive lost myself. the people you want to care, dont. and the people you never expect to be there to walk around with your silence, do. i just dont know anymore. i made a promise that i had intended to keep but when im the only person making an effort, then why the hell am i even trying anymore? i dont know what to feel anymore. i was bitter then sad then mad then apathetic. and now im just confused. and i dont know if i want to try anymore. you're giving me reason not to.
then when i got home, i found this song & it was like a smack in the face. whatever happens, happens. and if people dont care anymore, then you just have to move on..even if it hurts. people come and go and ive decided not to let this affect me as much as it did, anymore. i dont know if im saying this right now because i truly believe it or if im still trying to diminish that part of me deep down that still hopes for yesterday. most likely the latter.
hmm. i guess i lied to you when i said it was just grades that was making me like this. im sorry. but if makes you feel any better, i lied to myself as well..
sing along; it made ME feel better
woke up yesterday and still
livin my life the way i feel
people say i should give up
i try but i know i wont give up
stand beside the world it seems *
challenging the self respect *
praying better days to come
i gotta keep me goin strong
i dont know why life has to change like it does.
its not like it was, but i know ill be alright.
im strong enough to see, in the end all i need is me.
cryin til my eyes are red
you dont understand the pain i dread
losin all the drive i need
for people that i thought wouldnt leave
i realize its hard to find
losin that interest & peace of mind *
leavin my heart on the line
but makin sure i know its mine
i dont know why life has to change like it does.
its not like it was, but i know ill be alright.
im strong enough to see, in the end all i need is me.
it might be twisted in your eyes
but its a blessing in disguise
life is simple as it seems
just let it go and let it be
it will come so naturally
things you love will set you free
just listen to the words of this song
if you say
i dont know why life has to change like it does.
its not like it was, but i know ill be alright.
im strong enough to see, in the end all i need is me.
* i typed these out by ear, so these are iffy
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