breakdown.

even from just this morning, i knew it was going to be a bad day. and apparently, so did my mom. but anyway, i went to school and things were okay and MANAGEABLE until third period. yah. i failed my physics test, yet again. this time with an actual F. the worst part? this was the easiest test AND i THOUGHT i knew what i was doing and i expected at LEAST a C. my failure upset me but it wasnt what ruined my day. so i go on with the day stressing out about my academics but not really saying anything to anyone, cuz i know people are tired of me. then cluster. mrs. hancock came in an talked to a handful of us. she was angry, saying how we were wasting our time in cluster. she DEMANDED us to sign out to one of our teachers. what upset me most was knowing that she was right. and just having another person to yell at me about it just made things worse. i signed out to spencer but i didnt even make it to her classroom. when i hit the english building i turned around and started walking. and crying. it was uncontrollable. i swear i tried not to. next thing i knew i ended up in the main office crying to mrs cabrera and the nurse. "im not feeling good," i told them. well, apparently. i was crying pretty hard and coughing and weezing all over the place. the nurse asked me, "so did something happen? or are you sick?" and i told her, "well im sick too." giving me tissues and patting my back, she said "yah..everything seems worse when you're sick." so i called my mom and went home. i didnt really want to miss 7th period cuz we were supposed to go over practice stuff for the midterm but i realized i didnt want to go into class and face mrs spencer and everyone else looking like i did. i got home at 2ish, cried my voice away for about half an hour and slept til six. waking up to start my hw, the doorbell rang. the next thing i knew, i was sitting in my living room crying and stressing out to one of the few people in my life who is truly one of my best friends. to wake up from a horrible day and find one of your best friends on your doorstep and a voicemail from a couple others, made me feel a little better, though i still felt like shit waking up. point is, im not healthy. physically or mentally and probably not emotionally. my mom is starting to worry more about me actually living than surviving at oxford. but see for me, living IS surviving at oxford. and actually, im dying right now. maybe in both ways, i dont even know anymore.

you know something is really wrong when i dont want to go to dance class.