mixed emotions.

such a bad week. staying up til 3AM every night...failing everything at school. and today was just horrible. i was feeling so bad again...like before. and i hid it. except from a few who happened to be there when i broke down. but then spanish and english today were so much fun, i couldnt help but smile & laugh. so today had a lot of extreme moments. i felt really bipolarish. haha. whatever..what else is new..? ugh and then the choir show was just asdflkja;sldjfa; for me. i always HATE friday shows. my fcking antlers fell and i kept trying to put them back on, but then it would mess up my damn hair..and the dance number, i screwed up at the part where i go center and like AGGGHH. you have no idea. i tend to be overlyperfectionist about the things i am most passionate about. but then i saw jeff, and kuya ron, and star, and diana after the show, which at least ended my shitty day wonderfully.

so the other night my mom went to church cuz she wanted to pray. and she was telling me about how there was confession going on. and i was like, hey. i need to go to confession soon. i have a lot to confess about. ive been a bad girl. and i fcking cuss like a sailor lately. im sure youve noticed. *sigh* last year, i hated life. right now, ive been so vexed. it's really annoying. and everything seems to piss me off. everything that used to depress me, just pisses me off now. i think thats a little more dangerous. im afraid im going to blurt out something i will regret saying. (i was THIS close today..but i couldnt...) i must be careful.

i just had caffeine so ill be up for another hour or two. or three...or seven. i dont even know if i sleep anymore. i dont remember anything that happens during the night. *sigh* life bores me at the moment. and im so aggravated by it. nothing special; nothing exciting. im exhausted but i cant sleep and i have major things running through my mind again. aand i think im just going to lie in bed til i fall asleep.

one last thing though:

happy birthday jonathannn!!
just wanna thank you for all that you do for me. you have no idea how much you have contributed to my life. you are one of four people in my life that i can say are my LIFESAVERS. and i mean that. best friend, you are like the older brother i always wanted; caring about me in a protective way, telling me when im wrong, rejoicing with me when i am triumphant, holding me when i bawl my eyes til they turn red. i cant ask for more from anyone. id have to say that God put you in my life to help me survive myself and push me to keep on trying, to keep on living. i dont know what i would do without you. who would i go to when the rest of the world shuts me out? who would come to me, knowing the sorrow that hides behind my smiles? who would help me last minute when im studying for tests and doing late hw? who would laugh with me when we talk about "unk" things and drc! HAHA. thanks for putting up with me, like forserious. thanks for listening to me even when you dont want to, cuz i know you have your own problems to think about. but hey, thats why you're one of my bestfriends. im here for you, just like you're always there for me. thanks again for everything. happy birthday. im sorry i couldnt make your bad day better, since i was busy being a loser and sulking around..BBs for life man! (: